Yes, I'm counting.
I've only been motherless for 40 hours and I'm sad, confused, and mad.
Mom was 64, young by today's standards. She was kind, giving, loving and true. Her exit is premature, and should not have happened. After open heart surgery she went into cardiac arrest and could not be revived. An enlarged heart, pulmonary hypertension and her general physiology was stressed to the point where even the best science was not enough to beat bad biology.
She still should be here, still could be here, and if viewed through my eyes would be here.
Call me inappropriate or worse. I'm searching for a silver lining on a dark cloud.
My mother didn't have to die at this point, but strangely I've been mourning her death for at least five years. Whenever I'd leave her home in Chicago to drive back to my home in Florida after a Christmas visit, I'd cry when I hit full speed on the interstate a few miles from her home.
I don't know why I was the only one that was affected by watching her walk ten feet and have to rest. I would cry when I heard her suffering as she'd lift herself up a flight of stairs over several minutes. She'd say that she was afraid to go to sleep because she thought she might not wake up. This stuff ripped me up every year, but I respected her desire to make her own decisions and keep my little pile of rocks in place inside my own glass house. If I offered my concerns it was viewed as me sticking my nose where it didn't belong or in some cases a personal attack. So I said nothing, and I grieved.
Every year I thought it was the last time I'd see her alive. This year I was right.
The take home message is take care of yourself. Do what the doctors tell you and if they say "don't do X-Y-Z", then don't do X-Y-Z. You might even break access with X-Y-Z and ask people not to give you X-Y-Z.
No, she wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic, anything like that. She did suffer from similar issues with food, sugar, salt and other lifestyle choices that exacerbated her diabetes and heart condition.
The other major killer here was apathy and fear. Early on when she was diagnosed with diabetes it was almost a joke to her. She ate what she wanted, took pills to control the sugar levels and didn't change much. Her best friend dying from diabetes, degenerating vision, bad kidney numbers and an inability to heal didn't change things.
The prelude to her untimely exit was established long ago.
In her absence I'm angry. I'm angry because if some things were done differently we would not be going through this right now. I'm angry because she was supposed to get a huge reward with wonderful golden years. She was supposed to see the products of her outstanding motherhood, successful children that now could take care of her.
I'm going through the normal stages of grief, just faster than everyone else because I've been living with sadness for so long already. Now I'm off to anger and questioning.
Take care of yourself. Do it for those that love you and those that need you.
3 comments:
Aww geez, man. Sorry to hear that Kevin, you're in my thoughts. Take care.
My condolences - I know what you're going through. My mother passed away at age 62 from lung cancer due to smoking since she was 16. No amount of pleading or evidence could get her to quit, even though she wanted to - the addiction was too strong. They caught the lung cancer somewhat early and she underwent surgery to remove the lower lobe of her left lung, where the tumor was situated. She had a few positive nodes nearby but it was not widespread and chemotherapy and could have given her a number of extra years of life. However, she contracted a MRSA infection in the hospital that nearly killed her and prevented her from being able to receive the proper chemotherapy. After she finally rebounded from the MRSA, the cancer came back with a vengeance and killed her in a month. Science can do wonders if the human body is in a state to handle the trauma that some of these medications cause.
Again, my condolences. I'm still in the angry stage and it's been 7 years.
Like many friends, while you grieve your loss, we worry about you.
Your blog serves to inform and provide some solace that you are OK, and in fact had plenty of emotional preparation in spite of the anger which, like Gene's, may haunt you much longer than the acute pain of loss.
You are proof against such folly, having recognized it in her, and that lingering emotion will serve to revitalize and motivate the inspirations empowering the physical maintenance of your frame for many many years.
This in itself is yet another gift, to both you and us: who treasure you so.
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